i met an octopus during a rather intense period of my life.  it was calm and still, sitting there right in the front of my brain, with these wild patterns running through it.  it was a deep, rich, beautiful purple with shifting geometric shapes - i remember them being triangles, though i might be wrong - that were that kind of summer-dead yellow, against a sort of muted purple background.

i see patterns and colors when i get to know people.  it’s a big part of how i understand what and who they are as humans.  i can’t explain it; it’s just there.  and i assumed this octopus was a person.  and i probably figured it was so vivid because of how well i felt i knew them and how into them i was.

i couldn’t shake that octopus, even though i didn’t really see it quite as clearly after that first night it showed up.  but i made a purple octopus halloween costume about seven months later, and the only way i’d feel comfortable on the dance floor was when i was doing octopus dance moves - something i realized a year after the first octopus halloween when i decided to be an octopus again.  i suddenly lost all semblance of bashfulness, and as long as i can move like an octopus, i can dance all night long.  that octopus set me free in that way.

and then it came back, but this time in the form of a recurring dream.  i didn’t know what to make of it.  it was one of the most disconcerting dreams i’d ever had.  it was just a dark ocean - probably navy blue, but like super dark.  and i’m underwater, but i don’t feel it.  it’s more like i’m a camera, just watching the scene, except the hearing is underwater hearing - gently moving currents, muffled “glubs” of bubbles and moving water - and i could just, like inside of me somehow, feel the heaviness of the water around me, even though that wasn’t relevant.  i just knew where i was.  and that octopus was there, with a little friend.

the big octopus was calm as ever, just sort of looking straight ahead at me, completely expressionless.  and i don’t mean covering up an expression, but just completely at peace, and really not feeling much of anything except for okay about everything.  it felt amazing to look at that octopus and to feel what it felt.  it was calm.

its little friend next to it was not quite so calm.  i don’t know how else to describe it except to say it had a lot of unmet needs.  it was a little nervous, and poking the calm one next to it with its little tentacle.  it wasn’t freaking out or anything, but it definitely needed some reassurance or maybe some help, and wasn’t getting any, because that big one was busy staring into my soul.

i wasn’t a part of the little one’s world; it was focused on trying to resolve whatever worries it was experiencing.

the little one made it hard to focus on the big one.  the big one was unconcerned with the little one.  the little one did not notice me, or if it did, then it made no effort to connect with me.

i had that dream maybe four or five times over the course of about a week.  it was weird.  it was also right around when i was trying to sort out a lot of intensely complicated feelings, which apparently is when octopi show up in dreams according to the internet.

i also just knew - and i don’t know how - that that big one was either me, or definitely on the same page as me.  i just knew that i was catching its vibe and we saw each others souls in some weird way that’s beyond what i understand, especially considering this is not a thing i buy into.

i can’t shake the memory of the dream; it’s almost haunting the way it sticks in my head, even though it’s not recurring anymore, and even though a bunch of bullshit has happened that has completely thrown me off of that octopus’ vibe.

but through processing the fallout of the aforementioned bullshit, i came to realize something: if that big octopus is me, the little one is me too.  it’s got its blinders up; it wants to get its problems solved.  it is focused.  the big one is ignoring its plight - whether it’s to mind meld with me or because it just has no interest in petty little octopus problems - and is outwardly focused.  but that little one might freak out if it doesn’t get its shit handled, and it apparently doesn’t think it can handle whatever is bothering it on its own.

which is how i felt just prior to bullshit exploding.

the more i think back, the more i realize: i totally and completely understand the little one just as much as i understand the big one, who was making direct contact with me.  that little one is a laser beam, and bound to miss some important shit going on if it can’t handle its nervous energy a little more internally.  that big one has everything figured out, but still has a little friend to contend with.  ignoring that little friend leads to bad places: i went there.  i lost at least one good friend - maybe permanently - and am now sensing a changing tide in terms of my attitude.

i think the weird nervous energy has abated for now, but at a certain cost.  had i paid attention to more of what these octopi had to offer, would i be in a different place now?  what would i have done differently?  who and what would i be if i acknowledged and embraced both octopi as myself and as things to love and care for?  what if i had recognized myself and my nervous tendencies within the little octopus before shit got unnecessarily bad?

now, i just want to make sure i take this lesson and learn it well.  i have two travel companions.  more might appear one night, or they might never be present in my dreams again, but they are here, in my memory, vivid as all hell, and probably will stick around for a while.  i want to embrace my friends - both the wise, understanding, calm, deep big octopus and the nervous, incomplete, assurance-seeking little octopus - as parts of myself and parts of a larger whole.

i need to make sure i am not neglecting this little octopus, but also that i am not letting it drive my brain.  can the big one be behind the wheel and also pay attention to the insecurities the other feels?  i think that will be the central test of my ability to be a good person - to be outwardly focused, calm, and able to handle anything, and to pay attention to the nagging imperfections that i see when i look inward.  those must be acknowledged, validated, fixed if possible and accepted if not, and above all analyzed - though not at the cost of living in the world and experiencing things external to my own weird self.

jesus.  it’s weird to write that all down, and it probably reads like bullshit, though it’s a weird dawning and i just can’t shake its essential perfection in explaining (at least within my own brain) what, who, and why i am.